September 03, 2014

The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Dealing with Day-After Heartbreak

My spirit animal today is a sad, sad rolly pollie

Let me set up the scene, before I begin this tale of sadness, loss and obnoxious, ugly sobbing...

It was close to 1:00am. I had to work the next day (today) so sleep was needed, but a serious talk with the bf was needed even more. I knew it wasn't going to be a great talk, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. Little did I know I was going to be judo kicked right in the heart valves with the big "B" word. Breakup. 

Alright, I'll admit with some distance, I acted a bit...dramatically. The begging that I proceeded to throw at him was cringeworthy within hours afterward. But there was nothing to be done. So he left.
I immediately stopped crying. I had no tears left at the moment. I gave myself a little verbal pep talk, 
"Just get some sleep. It'll be better in the morning."

And here are my next 12 hours...
Stared at the window
Cried
Wondered what I could have done to prevent this
Cried
Anger
Cried
Realized I had no right to be angry
Cried
Realized it had to be at least 5am and that I had to get some damn sleep
Cried because I was sad and cried because I couldn't sleep
Stomach ache, migraine.
Realized the sun was coming up
Vomit due to migraine getting worse.
Called into work, because there was no way I'd be able to be around other people
Cried
Finally faded into some sort of restless sleep, where I dreamt about me and the now ex-bf driving in the rain, and hitting roadblocks at every turn.
Woke up feeling like I had the flu, like I had a cement brick in my stomach, and feeling like my eyes were those little rubber bouncy balls and they'd been bounced on a dirty floor, and then maybe rolled around in broken glass.
Dazed sleeping again. More vomiting.
Finally woke up knowing I won't get anymore sleep and tell myself to be productive, get my mind off of it. 
Immediately start crying again.
Against all instincts, text the bf, because all of it seems like a nightmare. 
Cry even harder when he texts back telling me everything will be ok.
Proceed to lay back down in the fetal position, not knowing what else to do.
Decide to write a blog post, mostly to get it out, partly to pep talk myself a little more, and a little to prove to myself that it is ok to grieve. 

It's not just losing a bf, it's losing a best friend. He was a person who inspired me nearly constantly, He was a person who made me laugh, and went on adventures with me. He was the person I thought I'd have around for a very long time. And here I am, puffy-eyed, and tear-stained, with no real advice on dealing with heartbreak, because I've never dealt with it on this level before and it's all so new. 
The only advice I have at this very early stage is to not feel guilty about being sad, remember all of the things you learned from that relationship (which I will be writing about in my journal later), and to not completely beat yourself up. In hindsight there are always things you could have done better in a relationship and I've gone over all of those countless times during my All Night One Woman Sob Fest, but in the end, he was going to make the decision he was going to make no matter what. 
So do what you need to do, accept your inner rolly pollie and curl up away from the world for the day, because tomorrow is going to be much, much different.
 photo jillian_zps989fd8cc.jpeg

2 comments:

  1. This is terrible to hear, love you both!

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  2. Oh my gosh, hang in there Jillian!! It's so brave of you to share what you're going through and being so openly vulnerable... I know that it doesn't lessen your pain, but as a reader I just want to say thank you for being REAL!! Your candor and humanity is so refreshing... And best wishes to you during this hard time -- just take it day by day :)

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