May 17, 2014

The Game of Life

Photo by Brandon Forrest Frederick

Remember playing Life as a kid? Remember that even if you didn't go to college, you made a decent living? Remember how you never pulled a Life card that said something like 
"You have a tumor and no insurance, go back 2 spaces." 

Yeah, that game doesn't prepare you for real life, does it?

I try to keep my blog positive. I don't like to post a lot about my personal life, because I'm a pretty private person and I don't ever want anyone to think I am complaining.

But, anyone that reads my blog on a regular basis has probably noticed that I haven't been posting nearly as much lately. Part of that is because I am trying to get ready for my show in July, which takes up quite a bit of time. The other reason is that I've lacked motivation and desire. 

Life has been a wee bit overwhelming this last Winter and Spring. Over the last few months, I found out I have an ovarian tumor. I've dealt with a lot of reproductive issues in the past already, but after getting surgery for the second time last year, I thought the issues had finally been resolved. 
The hospital bills have been crazy without insurance. With those (and the money I've owed to others that have helped me out in the really desperate moments) came the lack of funds to pay for my car on time, which in turn lost me my car.  All of these things I've managed to deal alright with. I've had some nights of self-pity, but nothing that didn't end in me telling myself I'd be fine and putting on a smile again.

Today was kinda the final crack in the flood gate holding back the enormous hurricane of tears that was building pressure little by little. With my Can-Do pants on, and a few bucks in my bank account, I decided to buy a bike to at least get me around for awhile until I could figure out other modes of transportation. I went to Good Will and found a pretty decent bike for cheap. I go to check out. My card is declined. I'm confused, because I just got paid yesterday. The cashier, sweet in her intentions, ends up making me feel even more embarrassed, because she just keeps saying loudly 
"It's our system, don't worry! We're going to keep trying this until it works!"
After about 12 tries, I beg her to stop trying. She apologizes profusely. I check my bank account and realize I don't have as much as I thought, not even close. Then I also realize, I've had money stolen from me. 

I've cried a bit at a few other times in the past few months. Although, I barely cried at all after finding out about the tumor, which I thought was strange. But today's bike/bank fiasco made me full on baby sob. Like pathetic, ugly, obnoxious, snotty, curled in a ball on the floor sobs. 

All of this has made blogging seem a bit arbitrary and pointless. But I realized, maybe allowing others to know what is going on will help me cope. And that dealing with this without anyone knowing is silly. There are plenty of people that go through things like this. It makes no sense not to talk about it. 

So I apologize that the blog has been a bit like a desert lately and I can't say that will get any better until after July, but I do want to say you're continued support means the world to me.

 photo jillian_zps989fd8cc.jpeg

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