June 10, 2013

Sick as a Gun

As a blogger, I think often things are a little sugar-coated. Understandably so. No one wants to read a blog where the author is constantly being negative. But at the same time, I think it is important to bring truth to what I write. Things aren't always peaches and cream for anyone. And as much as I fancy myself quite the Optimistic, you can't glue a smile to your face all of the time. 
All right...time for the personal stuff...

I don't talk about it often, but I had a rough childhood. I had a father that was an addict, alcoholic and abusive to my mother and I. I hadn't seen him since I was about 6 years old after they divorced and I hadn't ever planned on seeing him again. But over the years, I did write letters to my half brothers. They would send me art work and tell me that they looked up to me, even though they had never met me in person. Finally, one day last Summer my father's wife contacted me saying they were going to come to Kansas City and that my half brothers really wanted to meet me. 
I thought I could handle it.
I was wrong.
There was a good 3 month period before the meetup where I was having panic attacks constantly. I was drinking more than I ever normally do. I was a wreck. 
The day finally came and I got through it, but after that, I decided I couldn't do it again. It was just far too emotionally draining.

A few days ago, my father's wife contacted me saying they wanted to see me again this Summer.
I'm not sure what to do.
I really don't think I can do it again, but I don't want to disappoint my brothers.

So until I figure it out, I've been arting like crazy. Painting, drawing, taking photos.
These are the things that help me focus and clear my head. And I'm hoping soon a solution will come to me. 
We'll be back to regularly scheduled happy posts very soon! Until then, I appreciate this space where I can vent, and I appreciate you all for your support and advice. 
You guys are the bees knees, seriously.

 photo jillian_zps989fd8cc.jpeg
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3 comments:

  1. No matter what you've been through, you are kick-ass strong. And VERY talented and gifted! Embrace your skills :) xx

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  2. amazing blog! maybe we can follow to each other?;)

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  3. Wow hun. You are so talented and seem to be a pretty cool, fun happy person. I get all bent outta shape when I worry too! I physically get sick from worry and can't sleep and have major anxiety etc. I know what that's all about. I tend to over drink to calm myself then the next day I have even more anxiety and feel even worse than before. It's hard, the only thing that sorta works for me is deep breathing and meditation....sometimes that doesn't even help. I find that if I keep myself occupied then time will pass by a little faster. I'm sure that's why your drawing and painting like a mad woman right now. Just know you are not the only one that feels that way and whatever you choose to do is not wrong. You have to look out for yourself.
    xo
    Taylor
    http://www.nothingbutapigeon.com/

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